Bombadil's Revenge
by Orsara
Summary: After the ring was destroyed, Bombadil showed his true colors as a fearsome criminal and Xelma and Faenstra are hired to put him behind bars.
1. Xelma

My best friend and I wrote this at four in the morning on a fateful night, so don't blame us. Quick history; Sauron was not completely destroyed, and now free-floats around the world. Another unknown enemy are taking over the human cities and there has formed a rebellion of the good guys led by Aragorn since we had no other use for him. And if it helps you understand anything here, Bombadil killed Xelma's favorite cousin. She has sworn to make things even before she's through.

This story starts right after the ring was destroyed in Mount Doom, and the people of Middle-Earth found out that Sauron still lived. The Fellowship, contrary to popular belief, never broke up, and a Rebellion formed, lead by the infamous Strider.

"Thank Gandalf! I finally passed the final test of Elf School!" Xelma exclaimed. "After the third try." Tarisa walked up behind her and patted her on the shoulder. "I was with you the whole way! Good job!"

Xelma sighed happily. "And Gandalf said I couldn't pass!"

Tarisa raised an eyebrow. "He says that a lot, doesn't he?"

"So, what should we do now?"

"Well, we exceeded Gandalf expectations! We can do anything!"

"Let's join the Rebellion!" Xelma joked. "Wait, that's actually a good idea! They need all the help they can get!"

Time Lapse

"Yay! We've been enlisted!"

Then, Legolas walked by and noticed Xelma and company. "Hey, you finally past!" He chuckled. "I aced that test. What were your test scores the first time, again? Oh wait, you failed. I remember..."

_Cue corny flashback-_

Back in the Elf School in Mirkwood, little Xelma and various other Elves were sitting at their school desks. The teacher was pacing around, holding up a variety of arrows.

"Children, to be a ful-fledged Elf, you must be able to distinguish other arrows from each other. You, there..." he walked up to Xelma, holding up an arrow. "What kind of arrow is this?"

Xelma stood still for a few seconds, then randomly flailed her arms above her head. "Orange!"

The teacher looked at her, ashamed. The Elf beside her, who just happened to be Legolas, snickered. She kicked his shin, and he muttered a swear word.

"Why, princeling! Watch your language!"

The teacher held out another arrow. "Errr... let's try that again. What is _this _one?"

"Shiny!"

"Okay, you failed. Go off and learn how to be a Dwarf or something."

_Back to present-_

Xelma kicked his shins again, and he muttered the same swear word. Or should I say mutter? There were no teachers around this time.

But instead Gimli walked up, and said, "Elf, you learn from the best."

Then Frodo Buggins walked out from the leader's tent, after talking to Strider Maggot, known as so after a startling experience where they were exiting a small, dark cave, and Pippin shouted, "Oh no! I'm a crybaby! And I also stole mushrooms!" and who had seemingly been Strider, had ripped off a clever disguise and turned out to be the farmer! "Ah-hah! So it was you!" and started running after him.

They weren't seen for several weeks, but then Gimli brought up, "So, where's the _real _Strider?"

"Here I am!"

"So, what is your real name?"

"Aragorn."

"Ah-hah! So maggot wasn't making up a name, he was using the name of his brother!"

"Yes! I am Aragorn Maggot!"

Anyway, Frodo had his shades on, because he made anyone faint or even die (if they're weaklings) when he widened his eyes the slightest bit. Then Sam ran up and all the other Elves were watching, and he asked his master, "Oh, Mr. Frodo, what do you think of my painting?"

Frodo answered, "Oh, sorry Sam, I can't see too well... One sec..." and Frodo lifted his shades briefly, and everyone save Xelma (because she was completely intrigued by a passing hawk overhead, which she had never seen before in Mirkwood) dropped unconcious. The Elves because they weren't complete weaklings and Sam since he was so used to it, and none of them died. Luckily. Maybe. Xelma looked back curiously at all the horrible screams just as Frodo slipped his sunglasses back on, embarrassed.

Xelma watched them until they woke back up. Then suddenly a short little man burst out of the bushes with a knife in his hand, singing twisted children's songs. Head leaned to the side, he gazed hungrily at Xelma, drooling slightly, shouting, "Where's Tommy?"

Several people screamed. The rest drew their weapons. Gimli complained about being too short. Bombadil was well known in these parts, after all. Xelma was about to run up to him with her knife, but a couple arrows whizzed over her head and were embedded in the tree trunk behind Bombadil. He cursed, spitting all over the grass in front of him by accident, and dashed with his little bow legged style of walking into the forest, tripping over his yellow boots.

Xelma blurted out several words in Elven I dare not repeat which made Tarisa cringe and thank Gandalf Sam didn't understand Elven. She wheeled around, looking for the firerers of the arrows, but her raging was well known and everyone was hiding their bows behind their backs and whistling. Then Frodo walked up, and asked, "What's going on?"

Everyone fell over. Again.


	2. To Lorien

Chapter II

All the important characters were relocated to Lorien after Bombadil had been sighted in the area. They all were riding Elf style of horseback riding, meaning no saddles, on one foot, operating their bows with their right hands and their teeth, and holding a cup of tea in the other, while the horse was rearing up, walking on two legs, while balancing a mug of ale on their heads, except for the Hobbits and Gimli, cause they're lame.

When they finally arrived at Lorien, it was already preparing for an attack. They'd gotten wind of a troop of happy prancing ballerina Orcs (after Sauron was reduced to a wandering eye floating aimlessly around Middle-Earth, the Orcs established happy little colonies of ballerinas) and were terrified of their oncoming threat, but a lot more than they should have been. Being a new arrival, Xelma was permitted to have dinner at the super long table where the high Elves of the town ate. There were a few others there, assorted Elves, mostly from Lorien, a few from Rivendell, and she was the only from Mirkwood that she saw. There was a strange Elf at the end of the table who looked like she was hating every minute of it was eating as fast as she could. Galadriel mistook this gesture. "I am glad you like the meal. I cooked it myself." She said, as she readjusted her hairnet.

They all ate faster after that, but were not allowed to leave until the Lady of Lorien (who had once been the lunch lady at the Mirkwood School) gave her speech.

"I am glad that you all were able to make it today. I was thinking about assigning two select students to bodyguard Tom's suspected targets.

"I know! The two who graduated alone. You probably need the companionship anyway." Xelma nearly choked on the disgusting failed lembas, prepared by the fail of a lunch lady. "You there, from Mirkwood, I have no clue what your name is, you're on Frodo, because I heard you are always looking away _by accident _when he does the... er... _eye _thing. And that random other Elf who likes my cooking" (and in that moment the moody Elf slipped off her chair and hid) "-oh, um... what are you doing? Anyway, I want you on Sam. I hope you like art, 'cause he's taken up painting with no garden of his own."

Faint crying could be heard from under the table, and she dashed out the door, to which Galadriel was oblivious to.

So, later, they met up at the Hobbit's door. They didn't talk to each other, and both ignored Sam when he flipped through his sketch pad, which had a variety of abstract arts painted into it that happened to look like Frodo (with no intent on Sam's behalf). But then, one day, they were walking past the garden windows, which a large Lorien tree was planted that grew right up there to the sixth story, and Gimli and Legolas were happening to walk by a few feet away, and then Bombadil's grinning face appeared in the trees. His eyes were crossed and pure red, and his mouth foamed, and he was readily swinging an ax covered in blood, and they all jumped back a few paces. Gimli looked at his friend, and said, "They probably need our help! But I can't see what's going on outside that window!"

"Oh, would you like me to get a _box_?"

"Woah, laddy, watch what you're saying there!"

"But I'm _older _than you!"

"Yeah... but you're _blond_!" and he shoved Legolas, who made a face at him, then looked at his fists for a few seconds, not knowing what to do with them. Then, they got into an awkward little fist fight. Xelma and Faenstra stared at them for a moment, then muttered, "_Juveniles_." Then Bombadil jumped out of the tree like a wild cat, then advanced on them. "Get out of the way, children!" Faenstra ordered the halflings. Frodo screamed, "You racist!" then ran over to Sam and cried into Sam's shoulder. "_They're _all _racists..._" and Sam shot them a dirty look, and they shrugged, and drew an arrow to the string.

Magically, Bombadil reflected the arrows, cackling madly, and brandished his knife, and started singing, "Old McDonald had a knife! Bwa, ha, ha, ha ,ha!"

So the Hobbits started to run, forgetting about any racist remarks for the present, and Bombadil frowned, which may have looked scarier than his mad grins. The Lorien alarm special for Bombadil sightings started playing; _Old McDonald had a Knife..._

And Bombadil mysteriously popped back out of the window. He was not seen for another good day. So the Elves ran around the palace, trying to find the little 'children', and they found them in an old storage room. Both were splayed out on boxes, and Xelma raised her eyebrow. "Are they _sleeping_?"

And sure enough, Sam, at least, was snoring wickedly loud. Xelma grabbed a pan from the rack on the side, and put it over his face, and miraculously he didn't wake up, but it amplified the noise of his snoring, so she took it off and went into a rage.

After setting the room on fire in a couple of places, she walked over to Faenstra, who was staring straight forward, looking brain dead. "What are you doing?"

She blinked a couple of times, then looked angrily at her, and said, "Shut up! I'm talking to my mom."

Xelma for several more weeks thought she was insane, and left it at that.

So the Hobbits, of course, wanted to do something that turns out to be dangerous, like people who are assigned bodyguards always do, and went for a walk in the woods. The bodyguards, of course, were taking tea break, while elf style riding, off a few miles away, and Sam got side tracked with some tasty mushrooms on the edge of the path that only the Hobbits liked. And Frodo was all alone, as usual, and he came across Boromir- or Piggamir- he couldn't tell which- and he shadily asked, "I don't suppose you still have that ring of yours, or do you?"

"Boro-Pigga-mir, you need to stay with the times! Didn't you hear? I got the ring into Mount..."

But the 'Mir advanced on him. "Hehehe, I bet you still have..." but Frodo dashed off in the other direction, screaming "STRANGER DANGER!"

And the Elves of Lorien on patrol all rushed over at the sound of a frightened child. "We heard a child cry out!"

From a half a mile away, they heard, "RACISTS!" and the 'mir was taken off to prison with Arwen.


	3. Bombadil Uncovered

Part III-

Chapter III

Frodo and Sam both got back home, and Frodo was extremely shaken up by the whole experience. The bodyguards didn't care one way or another, so they just gave them candy. "Here, children. Children like candy, right, Xelma?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Frodo was crying into Sam again. "Just no... Filthy racists..."  
Through the corridors, a couple of hallways down from the Hobbits and their bodyguards, an Elven lady was dashing from room to room, laughing. There was a room with it's lights off, so she peeked into it. "Ooh, where's Timmy?"  
She went into it, and the room was too dark to see much, but basic shapes were distinguishable, and she peered around the curtains off into the dark windows, revealing the night sky. She looked under the bed, and then spotted a bulge under the covers. "Where's Timmy?" and she threw the covers aside. She screamed, and the lump jumped out at her. It was Bombadil, his red eyes illuminating his wicked face and the glinting knife in his hand. The screaming was brought to an abrupt halt, and the Elven bodyguards whipped around. "What the..."  
They ducked into the room, Xelma felt for the lights, and flicked them on. The Hobbits squeaked, and the Elves jumped. The room was covered with blood spatters from wall to wall. Bombadil was no longer in sight, but they knew just how this had happened.

Imagine the fear in Xelma's heart when she received the letter from a messenger of the queen, that stated she was to appear in her halls that night. Thoughts raced through her head. _I'll show up late. No, I'll say Bombadil got me. I'll say he got Sam, no body needs him any way, his art stinks, and I have to go riding with Faenstra to find Bombadil... _A horrible scream issued from the room to her right. Obviously Faenstra had received the same note. Terrible smashing noises came from the room, so Xelma opened her window and looked at Faenstra's. She was holding the horribly torn parchment over the edge, about to drop it. Xelma leaned out, calling;

"Oh, Faenstra! Forget it! Let's just lie!"

Faenstra gave her a pleading look, and glanced over the inviting edge. But instead she stepped to the side over to Xelma's window and ducked inside. It was a gloomy afternoon, as they filled their waste basket with half-convincing lies, intricate plans to make realistic blood spatters across their room for a false Bombadil attack (mostly involving cutting horrible gashes in their extrimities to supply the blood) and fake suicide notes signed yours truly. They even considered sending Galadriel death notes so she'd be distracted for at least the evening.  
Then a knock came at the door. "It's time!"

They exchanged horrified glances. "But, _guard_!" Xelma called in a whiny voice, "We're not done coming up with crappy excuses!"

"Too bad!" He entered and started dragging them out the door. He dropped them in Galadriel's room and exited. They play dead.

"Oh! Good morning, ladies! I wanted to tell you about a recent discovery our troops made on Bombadil's position...'

Xelma perked up. Faenstra remained spread eagle on the floor. Galadriel smiled. "Thought that might get your attention. Anyway... he was recently sighted... or, his massacre scenes were found... at a field in Rohan's territory. I wanted you two to go check it out."

Faenstra sat bolt upright, both arms in the air. "Ye-ha!"

Xelma and Galadriel stared at her for a moment, before Xelma pointed at her with her thumb. "I'm not sure... er... if she's all there."

"Ah. Perfectly understandable."

Faenstra raised her eyebrow. "You're one to talk."

They all sat there for a moment, then suddenly the two bodyguards scampered up and out of the room at full speed. They said hasty goodbyes to the children (hey!) and went to go pack their things. A knock came at Faenstra's door. A messenger had come to tell her that a letter had come to simply say;

_You're not going without me. _

Faenstra picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. "Tell her I'm not waiting for _any_thing. If she wants to come, she'll have to catch up later."

The messenger nodded and turned to leave. Faenstra followed after them, and made her way down the tower to the stables. Xelma was already there, with Tarisa, who was already on her horse. Xelma saw Faenstra coming and mounted her own. They headed down the road and Faenstra quickly caught up. And they were on the road.

I won't tell you what happened to them yet. But after a day or two, a very annoyed Elf came on horseback in the early hours. She was expected. They welcomed her in, but she did not want to stay for long. An hour later, there was another on the road. Nobody knew who he was, but his horse was even stranger. Imagine the guard when they were approached by a six-foot legged horse, orange and white. The rider was barely noticeable and they_ didn't _notice him until he smacked them with a large sunfish. Yes, he was a Dwarf. And his name was Gorg.

He was later brought before the queen.

"What's a _Dwarf _doing in Lorien? It's been a while since we've gotten so many visitors."

"I have come far to capture this maniac. I've heard that there have been several sightings of Bombadil in these parts."

"You'd be correct. In fact, we just sent out a hunting party."

"Would it be possible to join them?"

"Well... A friend of theirs just arrived and she's going after them. I suppose you could travel with her to Rohan."

And a messenger was sent to the other Elf to wait up for him. He got to the stables to find her gawking at his horse. "What the (insert horrible swear word) kind of horse is _that_?!" She looked over to him. "And how the (repeat) can you climb onto it?"

He whacked her with the sunfish. "That's confidential information. And don't be a racist." He walked over to his horse and yanked a rope ladder down. The Elf started laughing. When the Dwarf lifted his sunfish again, she smacked her horse's rump to get it going fast. And at that they were racing down the trail after Xelma and Faenstra and Tarisa.


	4. Bombadil's Town

They rode for a few hours, before the Dwarf stopped abruptly. The Elf stopped after a moment, too. "What's wrong?"

"I think we're here." he gestured to a blood smear on a nearby rock. The Elf blanched. "Er... I'd say so."

They automatically became more wary as they continued to the old abandoned city. Surprisingly, their trip was rather uneventful, and they arrived at the deserted town around nightfall. They gaped around at it for a few seconds. There were tall swaying buildings, constructed out of what looked like only wooden slats.

"This place has survived for half a century?" the Elf said, but then a noise came from behind them. A trap door slid open, and Faenstra waved her over. "Over here!"

So the Elf jumped onto the roof, and joined her friend. The Dwarf scowled and had to go in through the doorway, and found a small group in a room. The one at the end of the table, who was standing up, noticed him straightaway. "Well, looks like we have some help. Who might you be?"

The Dwarf puffed up his chest. "I'm Storkler, Gorg Storkler. I've given my name and I'd like yours."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm Faenstra Winters, and this is my friend D'iagna Raveine." She gestured to the Elf he'd been traveling with. They glared at each other as Faenstra continued. "This is Xelma, who won't tell me her last name, and her companion Tarisa. Happy?"

The Dwarf grunted. "Dwarves," D'iagna said, flashing him an exaggerated smile. He whipped out his favorite Sturgeon, and she exited hurriedly with the others.

She caught up with Faenstra and asked, "So, we're just gonna start looking for him? Like that?"

Faenstra looked at her blankly. "Why not? We're going to split up and look for him in the smaller portions..."

"Are you _crazy_?" D'iagna interrupted.

"Well... what's that gotta do with the point?" Faenstra asked touchily. "But... yeah, I guess we should choose a partner. You're with me 'cuz I wouldn't be stuck in a dark corner with Xelma for anything. That girl's a maniac."

"Speak for yourself!"

"Shut up, Xelma! Nobody cares."

D'ianga put her hands on her hips. "You shut up!"

The Faenstra pouted at her and took D'iagna's arm, dragging her away.

So poor Gorg the Dwarf was stuck partner-less. He stood awkwardly at their building, then he shrugged and went the way that nobody else had gone, leading his horse behind him.

Faenstra and D'iagna found themselves in what seemed to be an indoor orchard. All the trees were burnt and blackened, and they gaped at them for a moment. "What the heck happened here?"

"I dunno. Hey, you remember that Dwarf from earlier?"

Faenstra thought for a moment. "Oh, yeah. What about him?"

"Where did he go?"

They looked at each other for a moment. "Uh-oh."

Then they heard a scream. They ran out of the room, ducking under the swaying buildings just as one collapsed behind them. Tarisa was pressed against a wall, eyes wide. She wasn't hurt but looked like she'd seen a gh- um, Bombadil.

"H-he was here!" she stuttered. "Bombadil!"

"Calm down, where's Xelma? Or Storkler, for that matter."

"T-they... they went after him! Bombadil!"

"Come on then, we can't very well wait up for him to get to town!" Faenstra said and she and D'iagna hopped onto their horses. Tarisa sat in the corner for a moment before she realized she was all alone and went to catch up with them.

Strange sights were seen on the frantic rush home. There were awkward or terrifying scarecrows lining the roads at some points and they even passed a giant hay bale stack in the shape of an eye (which Tarisa, still a bit edgy, nearly burst out crying at). They knew they were on the right track when they saw a burning silo in some farmer's yard. Bombadil was here.

Meanwhile, Xelma and Gorg had been right on Bombadil's tail. Xelma was raging again. _So close, so close, we are almost at him... THEN SWEET REVENGE!_

Gorg was swinging his Sturgeon around above him like a lasso. Bombadil was not within visual range but you could hear the commotion he was causing. No matter how fast they forced their horses they couldn't catch up. Then they arrived. Lorien loomed over them and Bombadil was nowhere to be seen.

Screams issued from the city. The Bombadil siren sounded and they skidded to a stop. "Where are the others? And where is the city guard?"

"All the soldiers and, stupidly, the guards have been launched to fight the oncoming Orcs. We have to stop Bombadil on our own!"

So they went into the nearest tower.


End file.
